i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
