...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
