I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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