now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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