He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize