dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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