there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
