I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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