You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
