You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
