Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
