pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you didnt know i had herpes?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
