I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
