I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm getting married
To pizza
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
