Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
