I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
