If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
