was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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