1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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