Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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