Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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