I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
