He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
