Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
