An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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