I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Randomize
