I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
