Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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