best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
