The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Randomize
