I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
