Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize