i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
