we have pet lesbian snakes
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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