His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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