and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
so much tequila, so little girl.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize