Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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