im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
