You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
