I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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