Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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