Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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