I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
