Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Randomize
