im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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