I feel like abortions should bother me more
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
