my sisters under your porch take her home
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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