I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
