Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
