I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
