New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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