Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
