I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
