Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
