youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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