have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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