Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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