OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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