I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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