My hand turned me down
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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